Thursday, March 18, 2010

Google Voice Mail

I've recently switched to using Google Voicemail. It's a riot. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's a service that bypasses your phone providers voicemail and forwards it to your Google account. Then the mad scientist's over at Google have built a robot that listens to the voice message and sends you the transcript via text message. Also, you can log into your Google account and listen to your voice mails or read the transcript. The delete features are similar to the way that emails work. Which I like.

Just kidding on the robot part, it's really a trained chimpanzee named Frank.

Anyway - it's hilarious. It has actually made voice mails fun.

Here's an example of a voice mail transcript that my Grandma sent me:

"Hi Tommy, it's Brandon, I was just calling to see if you was gonna be little bit of a good night. I'm a trip at, so give me a call probably rider. Bye."

Here's what she really said:

"Hi Tommy, it's Granny, I was just calling to see if you was going to be real busy tonight. I made your pies, so give me a call. Talk with you later. Bye."

Now, she's from the south so some of you probably could not have done a better job. But, I love it anyways.

Also, it thinks that "Dave McWhorter" is "Civil Court" so when Dave leaves me a voice mail it says: "Hi Tom, this is Civil Court"

I laugh and laugh and laugh........

One time a certain someone, accidentally called me and left me a 4 minute voice message of some people talking:

"What's up. Yeah. Please stay on Wednesday and what it but well it 94, yeah but yeah yeah. Thanks. Bye. Yeah, I don't know. 63. Why. Brett yo, yeah this is yes. Yeah butyeah yeah. Yes, thank you. Yeah below but well bye. But all that. Yeah, I hope. Bye. Hi hi, Iraq, ha ha. Yeah, yo. Bye, or who have a lot i, a daughter. I can tell. Yeah, Hello,this is another call. Hey at don't. I don't know."

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

"At every occasion, I'll be ready for the funeral"

So....does anyone else find it a tad bit creepy that Costco sells caskets?

Well - I do

Is there an isle for that?
Do they sell them in bulk?
Does it say "Costco" on the caskets?
Can you sample them at the end of the Isle?
Do you get half off if you bring in a death certificate?

Have I crossed the line yet?

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Driveway

Ok -so - my driveway is huge. I can easily fit maybe 7 cars in my driveway. Which is great for parties, I have more parking spaces then I have chairs. However, it's bad for snow, I've been drooling over snowblowers every year, but I just haven't been able to get one yet. I just shovel enough for Bri to get her car in and out of her spot, and I leave my side un-shoveled.

Fake Audience Member #1: "But that's not what this b-word is about"
Me: "Sorry, I got off topic"
Fake Audience Memeber #2 : "Stay on topic Tom!"
Me: "Ok - Ok - Just stop yelling"

So - before we begin I need to show you a diagram of my driveway:

Ok - you can see where Bri parks and Where I usually park -Well last night, this is how it went down:
(Note: I do not drive a Mustang as the diagram shows - but I think that most people would agree that it's a better diagram with a Mustang. And I couldn't find a top view of a 2002 red Chevy Blazer - so just use your imagination)

I parked in a different spot, as you can see. Well, I forgot to move my truck last night and Bri leaves first so it was in her way when she got up.

So she has three options:

1. Move my truck out of her way.
2. Wake me up so I can move my truck.
3. Down an entire fifth of liquor, wait ten minutes, and then move my truck out of her way.

This is where I found my truck this morning:

Which one do you think she chose?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Jesus Christ Rockstar

When I was younger I wanted to be Gavin Rossdale.

I also wanted to be Eddie Van Halen, Chris Robinson, Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, George Harrison, Paul McCartney, John Popper, Kirk Hammett, Alex Lifeson, Geddy Lee, Sammy Hagar, Eddie Vedder, Angus Young, Eric Clapton, B.B. King, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash.

But - Really I wanted to be Gavin Rossdale. Why? I don't why. I listened to the album "Sixteen Stone" until the tape wore out. I guess that he was a pretty descent role model, he kept his nose clean. I never heard of him getting into drugs or anything.

You always hear people say things like: "Doesn't he know that he's a role model?" "He shouldn't be doing that?" - Yeah, he shouldn't, but he's human -and humans tend to make mistakes. Your kids aren't going to learn morals from the Michael Jordan's of the world. Our kids need to see morals in their homes. I'm not a parent yet, but when I am, I hope that I set a good example. I hope that my kids see me acting like Jesus would act. Those are some big shoes to fill.

(I want to play bass in Jesus's band - he can be the front man.)

Two people that I forgot to put on that list: Paul Aleshire and Marie Aleshire.

Marie Aleshire picked me up every week for church, she bought me dress clothes, she cleaned my room when I went on vacation, she made me dinner, she watched us when my parents couldn't, she made sure that I knew right from wrong, she scolded me when I disobeyed, she made sure that I was taken care of and - she loved me.

Paul Aleshire picked me up from school, watched me while I slept until my parents got home from work, fixed things when I broke them, showed me how to fix things when I broke them, taught me that there's always time for a good story, taught me that there's always time for family, taught me how to be courteous, taught me how to be generous, taught me that family is everything and - he loved me.

Those two people are my grandparents, they aren't perfect, but every kid should have role models like that in their lives.

Suck on that Gavin Rossdale.